so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
