You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
