what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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