i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
