I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Green mimosas i think yes
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
