Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
