i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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