Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
