she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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