I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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