I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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