Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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