Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
