Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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