She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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