I got chris browned last night
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
