Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
