Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
you had me at cake vodka
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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