At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
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