I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
