I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
