He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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