Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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