Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
