I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
