I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
