I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
