Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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