i was born a porn star she said
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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