No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
