I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
