The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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