worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
