I'm gonna have a badass scar
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
my liver is dry heaving
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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