you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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