sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
