it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
