Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
