My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
