I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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