We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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