Porn is love you can see.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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