I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
