end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
