Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
