absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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