Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We named our party play list daddy issues
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
