this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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