This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
