so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Success! We fucked roommates!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
